A servant or a lackey that followed their master so closely that they could receive their breaking wind.

Scam calls can be really intrusive, but sometimes when I have some spare time, they can be a real source of fun. In this case, I didn’t actually receive the contact, my friend did; I don’t understand how the Facebook thing really works, neither do I want to, but someone purporting to be from the Illuminati promising riches beyond his wildest dreams popped up and started spamming his number everywhere. I had some spare time, so I figured it was time to play…..

The originating number was +234 701 751 2642, and his Whatsapp bio was “MR CHARLES ALEX THE AGENT OF THE GREAT ILLUMINATI BROTHERHOOD A PLACE WHERE YOU FIND HAPPINESS”. Now this guy is already really interesting. A quick Google reveals that our Agent of The Great Brotherhood is using a Nigerian number. Back in the early noughties when these scams first started to appear, Nigeria was a hotbed of activity. Some of the funniest, most implausible ones originated here and have provided endless entertainment.

The following took place over a few days via messaging and voice calls over Whatsapp;

I dropped a message;

“I’m ready to be enlightened. I hope you’re not a scam like the last bunch.
Please send me some money.
Thanks.”

I got the following reply;

Great Illuminati: where are you from??
Great Illuminati: You are highly welcome to the great Illuminati brotherhood where you have the opportunity to become rich famous and powerful in all your life and doings?

I don’t know about you, but I’d love to become rich, famous and powerful in all my life and doings. It’s a complete no-brainer, right?

Me: I am in the UK.
Me: Yes, that is exactly what I deserve. Thank you.

Too sarcastic a reply, maybe? Let’s see what response it receives;

Great Illuminati: so if I may ask brother have you contacted any agent before??

I’m starting to feel like I’ve just contacted an offshore call centre. Maybe I have, in a manner of speaking. A few messages bat backwards and forwards, they are sizing their mark up, asking questions about age, location, partner and parents. The reasons behind this are fairly obvious, they are doing their homework, and good on them. Know your victim, right?

Things then start to get formal, and I really do feel like I am dealing with an offshore call centre;

Great Illuminati: now you are going to fill the Illuminati form of riches now??

Me: yes

Great Illuminati: Welcome to illuminati would fill the following and get back to us immediately
Your full name: …..
Your age: …..
Your country: …..
Your photo: ……
Your occupation: …..
Your monthly income: ……
Your phone number: ……
Your date of birth: …….
Purpose of joining: ……
Fill out the following correctly okay

Great Illuminati: fill it out and get back to us immediately OK??

Okay, so form filled, they then start asking for two pictures, I pick a couple from Google image search for redneck that look vaguely similar and fire them across.

Great Illuminati: Okay you are welcome to the light 🏮
My child thank you for filling up the membership form we have started
your first stage of becoming a member of the brotherhood, we don’t
just initiate people into our organization our great god makes his
choice of members so i am taking your details to the temple for
acceptance prayers i will get back to you with the revelation if you
were chosen to be a member or not be calm and wait for my reply?

Me: Yes, I will await. Thank you.
Me: Hi Alex, it’s been twelve minutes, is the temple far away?
Great Illuminati: just wait a minute OK??
Me: Ok Alex
Great Illuminati: So Mr MARK SMITH your text result show possitive that means you can be a member of the great Illuminati brotherhood
Me: Yay! That’s fantastic news! Thank you so much.
Me: 🎊🎉
Great Illuminati: alright??
Me: Yes, very much so.
Great Illuminati: now you are going to take the oat of this great brotherhood??
Me: Yes, I will take the oat

This guy is good, he knows that I take oatmilk and I never even had to tell him. I am so happy that my text result shows positive, there’s so many text results that I’ve had that have shown positive, that are really negative if you get me? Moving on;

Great Illuminati: I …..take this oath that I will follow the illuminati rules and

regulations and be honest to the new world order of the illuminati,i

will help my fellow members in the fraternity and always respect and

be faithful to those that are senior to me in the fraternity and that

I will always do whatever the high priests ask me to do,and I will

never turn back,if I try to do anything beyond or above the power of

the illuminati I shall die and turn to a ram of the ORIS,as I take

this oath I have agree to be a full member of the illuminati,and may

lucifer bless me..AMEN

I’m guessing that all of that is the T&C’s. I’d much rather die and turn to a ram of the Oris, surely it can’t be as bad as getting stuck in an expensive 24 month iPhone contract?

There’s a bit of backwards and forwards with a liberal coating of BS from both sides;

Great Illuminati: say it and send it back as a voice recording OK??

Me: I do, amen

Me: My phone just doesn’t do that stuff. I am so sorry. All of that on the software doesn’t work.

Me: It’s over ten years old.

Me: I need to buy a new one i guess.

Me: I’ve saved the money, so I should just buy it.

Great Illuminati: how much is the money for the phone??

Me: £300 GBP

Me: Sorry, no, £500GBP

Great Illuminati: How much is it in dollars

Me: What? US?

Great Illuminati: how much is it in us dollars?

Me: About 650 USD, why?

Great Illuminati: alright?

Me: yes.

Great Illuminati: don’t worry when you have received your welcome benefits, you can buy as many phone as you want OK??

Me: ok

Great Illuminati: where are you now??

Me: At home. Why?

Great Illuminati: alright

Me: ok

Me: Alex, what now? I am pretty excited and want to get moving on this.

Great Illuminati: .NOTE ;THERE ARE NO BLOOD OR HUMAN SACRIFICES IN THE ILLUMINATI 

                YOU CAN BE ANY RELIGION YOU WISH FOR , CHRISTIAN. MUSLIM ,OTHERS 

Welcome to The illuminati World🔺 – Bringing the poor, the needy and the talented to limelight of fame and riches. Get money, fame, powers, security, get recognized in your business, political race, rise to the top in whatever you do, be protected spiritually and physically! All these you will achieve in a twinkle of an eye when you get initiated into the GREAT ILLUMINATI WORLD ORDER. Once you are initiated to the ILLUMINATI EMPIRE, you have numerous other benefits .

Me: Yes, exactly what I am looking for. How do I get initiated?

Me: Can you do that for me Alex?

Great Illuminati: calm down don’t worry I do it for you OK??

Me: Thank you thank you. I am calm now.

Me: Thank you.

Me: I will wait.

Great Illuminati: alright??

Me: Yays

Great Illuminati: the grand master Will massage you from USA OK??

Me: Okay

Me: Thank you.

Great Illuminati: talk to him he will be the one to tell you what to do OK?? what ever be the out come of it you let me know??

Me: I will do, thank you.

Great Illuminati: alright

Great Illuminati: has he talk to you ??

Me: Hi Alex, sorry, I was arguing with my mother.

Great Illuminati: about what?

Great Illuminati: tell me let me know??

Me: That I couldnt speak to you when you called.

Me: I told you i would ring back

Great Illuminati: Is your mother  aware about this

Me: No, of course not

Great Illuminati: Yes you did

Me: Do we need to speak, or do I just need to deal with the Grand Master

Great Illuminati: I mean does she know that you are about joining this great brotherhood?

Me: No, she doesn’t have a clue.

Great Illuminati: alright

Great Illuminati: And make sure you are active online  okay

Me: okay

Great Illuminati: hello

Great Illuminati: how are you doing today??

Me: Sorry, cannot speak right now.

Great Illuminati: so have you discussed with the grand master??

Me: Yes, he will discuss my needs with you.

Great Illuminati: alright

Great Illuminati: so what is going on now

Me: You need to speak to the Grand Master, I have discussed with him

Great Illuminati: is it about the payment?

Me: Yes. I have money here.

Now, I am not actually going to send them the money, I’m just pushing a little to see how far I can get them to go. They are playing on my greed, as I am on theirs;

Great Illuminati: so what prove do you want

Me: I need my bank transfer security code written down. Can you photograph yourself holding it. That way I know I am not talking to a chat bot.

Me: 15UCP3N15

Me: That is the auth code given to me by the bank for the transaction

I’m sorry, the bank code was all that I could think of at the time. I’ve got so much more inspiration now, but so little time.

Great Illuminati: alright

The first picture missed the mark;

A little more prompting got to this point;

Job done.

They kept coming back for more, I could have pushed them harder for crazier, funnier stuff, but I simply didn’t have the time, so just blocked them.

I hope that you enjoyed it as much as I did.

A few years back (okay, more than ten!), I remember reading a BBC article about booking fees being added to concert ticket prices, and they reported on the call for greater transparency from a Labour MP.

(Un)fortunately, there were a bunch of spell check errors, see the image and enjoy. I had plenty of Kylie’s minge on that day. As did a few million others…..

To add further to the mirth, I got this notifcation after posting;

I remember when this happened, fortunately, the guys at The Register covered this, and I was able to pinch their screen grab, the full post is at https://www.theregister.com/2007/05/15/kylie_outrage/